Friday, June 12, 2009

Chapter 12

Depression was closing in on me. With this depression I felt much anger. It was the middle of April and Samantha would be getting married in less than a month. I ignored my pride and called her. I told her that I wasn’t walking well enough to fly to Oklahoma and attend her wedding. My ego was shot and this caused me to hate Samantha. I thought it was so unfair that she was the one dating, that she was the one wearing high heels, and that she was the one getting married. If she had been sitting in the front of the car I might have been the one walking down that aisle instead of her. I hated myself for letting those thoughts enter my mind yet I felt so angry that I couldn't walk and talk at the same time with out falling down and I was taking out some of my heartache on Samantha. It was difficult for me to accept the fact that other peoples’ lives didn’t shut down just because mine had. ‘How dare Frank N. Stein take what was supposed to be the best years out of my life without so much as an apology’.

Sara decided to leave and have a little baby. As a result of my brain injury I felt she was abandoning me because my case was hopeless so I called and told her not to come to my home anymore. I did not mind having Eric come to my house because he worked on my limbs, not my mind.

During this time, severe depression set in. What constantly entered my mind was the old ‘”why did this have to happen to me’” question. I turned 21 and my family saw how severely depressed I was. They tried to make this a happy day for me and God love them for trying, but it didn’t help. Instead of thanking God for being alive to turn 21, I dwelt on the fact that I walked funny, talked funny, wrote horribly, could not play the piano, etc.

Now more than ever I needed some friends in Florida. I decided to meet some nice people at church. I went every week to Sunday school with Kathy, and no one talked to us. I justified this by thinking, ‘it was me who didn’t want to talk to these stupid people’ not the other way around. It bothered me that none of them came to see me in the hospital or even called to see how I was doing. Betty was the only one who spoke to me. She called me occasionally and we would go out. One Sunday morning Kathy had to work but I decided to go to Sunday school alone. I was sure that Betty would be there but she wasn’t: she went to the other class. No one spoke to me but that was to be expected. Then the teacher got up and wanted the class to act out a little skit. The teacher never spoke to me but I know he saw me. What was he trying to prove by having us each get up and walk and talk in front of the class? I couldn’t believe it so tears began to well up and my brown eyes became extremely blue. I just sat there and cried because I couldn’t walk out. Even as I write this it brings tears to my eyes because of the humiliation I felt. People still can’t understand why I won’t set foot in a church.

Sara had helped me so much with my speech that I wasn’t ready to quit. My goal was to come back as far as possible and this would not be accomplished by quitting speech so I called her and asked if she would come back. Luckily for me she said that she would be glad to.

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