Monday, June 1, 2009

Chapter 23

Bay and I continued to email each other occasionally. One day I emailed her and happened to mention that I had been drinking “like a fish”. “Why like a fish?” she asked. I emailed her but did not answer the question; she persisted. She said, “You side-stepped the drinking question. Do tell”.

That really got me thinking: I knew there was a problem with my drinking. Carrie took me to see a top neurologist who told me I was an alcoholic and that drinking was the worst thing a head trauma victim could do.

I got word that Carroll, my biological father, died. He came to the hospital once to see me and called a year later where I proceeded to bitch at him. I screamed, “your daughter nearly died in that wreck and you don’t even call her for a year?” CLICK! The man hung up on me. That was the last time I ever spoke him and no, I did not attend his funeral.

I started thinking about what led me down the path to drink. I felt like everyone was taking advantage of me. After the accident I’ve become so much more sensitive to sounds, comments, stares, and smirks. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to escape them; I can’t physically defend myself or even run away. I just wanted to hide. Drinking helped dull my senses, I didn’t hear the whispers and once I was drunk enough I didn’t care. It was really a double-edged sword; I was keeping myself isolated when all I really wanted was to be with other people. I enjoy company but how can I put myself in front of them when the fear of falling or saying something stupid was so great.

Many wondered why acting was so important to me: the main reason is that the words were already written so there was no way to utter something ridiculous. Now that I’m sober my senses are sharper again. I’m learning to see the glass as half full while trying to come to terms with my sensitivity and at the same time guard myself from people who are trying to take advantage of me.

I had to stop drinking but couldn’t do it myself so I found the nearest Alcoholics Anonymous room. I was scared to death to go to the meeting for the first time by myself but the minute I opened the door, there were three people I already knew. I have become very involved with AA and have met many wonderful people who are going through their own hell right here on earth.

Today I am forty-five and have a completely different outlook on life. I am very proud to say that I have not had a drink in over two years. With the alcohol out of my system now, I am seeing the beautiful forest instead of focusing on a few of the ugly trees.

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